YAY I LOVE BEING ALIVE IN 2016 SO MUCH!!!
I LOVE that we live in a time where it's not totally acceptable to be gay yet, where women STILL aren't being paid as much as men, but today especially I love that someone who has just won a poll deeming her 'Hottest Woman In The World' has had the shit airbrushed out of ARMPITS. Yes. You heard me. This woman now has the armpit equivalent of the Mona fucking Lisa because GOD FORBID WE SHOULD HAVE TO SEE A CREASE.
PERFECT WOMEN DON'T HAVE CREASES OR SHADOW OR MUSCLES OR EVEN REAL SKIN, DIDN'T YOU KNOW THAT? There you were thinking that you all you needed to worry about on the body front today was your stomach, thighs, bingo wings, calves, chin, back and boobs. Fools. Stupid fools all of you, YOU'RE FORGETTING TO WORRY ABOUT YOUR ARMPITS.
Urgh. I'm literally despairing. As soon as I saw the cover of Maxim Magazine with Priyanka Chorpa airbrushed to within an inch of her life I waited for the Twitter outrage to commence, and commence it did... quite rightly.
People are understandably angry that a woman, who we have deemed to be the hottest woman in the world, still isn't quite perfect enough for the cover of a magazine. Proving once again that no matter how great you are, you will never quite be good enough. Even though, can I just say, Priyanka is pretty bloomin' great and, in my humble opinion, does have the most sensational natural armpits.
Now realistically there is no point in me aspiring to be the hottest woman in the world, or indeed idolising the current one, because quite frankly it's not an obtainable goal for me to aim towards but, BUT, what is really starting to grind my gears is the fact that even if this woman was my idol, and I never ate again and spent hours on makeup and had all the surgery in the world, I would still never, NEVER have the perfect armpit.
No matter what I do in this life. No matter how many smoothies I have, how many digestives I decline, how many runs I go on, weights I lift, I am deeply saddened to discover that my armpit will never be perfect.
What is happening to us that even the hottest woman in the world can't recognise herself on the cover of a magazine? When she goes to tie up her hair in front of the mirror to discover that, while the rest of her might be smoking hot, her armpits simply didn't make the cut. What are we supposed to do?
Yes, I appreciate that photoshop has been around for like ever and that really, what with all that is going on in the world right now this is not and should not be the priority. BUT it does raise an interesting point. At what stage is someone going to say right. This is enough. We are being ridiculous. This is borderline dangerous. Let's let women be women and be OKAY about it? How far are they going to take this?
Where I have previously asked for 'plus size' icons to appear on the covers of magazines, I am now going to have to alter my request and beg and plead with whoever is in charge of these editorial shoots, to give us a break. To chill the fuck out. To let women go back to absolutely not giving a shit about the bit of body in between their shoulders and their tits.
If I have to I will settle for a size 8 on every cover ever, but I can't and I won't sit by and watch girls be too ashamed to put their hands up in lessons because they're scared that they may expose their un-photoshopped, imperfect and apparently quite revolting armpits to the class.
Maxim - please sort this out.
Over and out.