Guys. I've just about had it. Fist it was my face, then my hair, then my stomach, then it was my arms, and at a weird time last year it was my ears but now, now I am seemingly further away from being perfect than I have been before... because I have knees.
Yup, I have this bastard joint that connects my shin bone to my thigh bone and it's ruining my life. Just like that, all my hopes and aspirations that I would one day grow up to be a beautiful, successful woman... gone. Just because I have the ability to walk.
Wait? You have knees too? Well I'm sorry to break it to you girls, but they're just not in anymore. Off to Harley Street we go. But how did this happen? I hear you cry! I can't afford to have my knees removed! How will I sit down?! WHO'S DONE THIS TO US? Ah, well. It's come about either as a result of the biggest photoshop fail in human history or because some wanker really has deemed these integral joints, even on supermodels, to be ugly. This wanker (whoever they may be) works at W magazine and is responsible for airbrushing away the knees of both Kendall Jenner 20, and Gigi Hadid, 21 for the magazine's 10th Anniversary Art Issue.
In my whole life I don't think I've ever thought about my knees, apart from those times when I run too far in bad shoes and they feel like they're going to pop off, but now, here I am, realising that I have spent the last 22 years in lala land, so clueless about the monstrosities that live smack bang in the middle of my legs. How could I have been so stupid?
If I'm honest with you, and if you didn't already gauge from the tone of the post thus far, this is something that I consider laughable. That some gliding clothes rail in some far off land has deemed something REQUIRED FOR WALKING to be 'out' has got to be a joke... right? Ahahah. No, these people don't joke. Fashion isn't funny Em, jesus. Get a grip. This. is. perfection. And you just don't have the look we require, in to say, you climbed those stairs without a single problem.
I mean seriously. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE ACTUAL HOLY FUCK IS GOING ON WITH THE WORLD????????????? Everyone has gone insane. What next? Will elbows suddenly be deemed out of fashion? Or belly buttons? Or toes. Oh god. NOT THE TOES.
Guys. Fashionistas. Decision makers. We need to all just stop for a moment, take a big deep breath, walk about 1000 feet backwards and start again. This. is. ridiculous. I cannot be here next summer when teenage girls everywhere melt because they are too embarrassed to get their legs out for fear of ridicule at the fact they still have a knee. I won't be. I'm done, I'm just done.