I have a two year old child. A. Two. Year. Old. Child. Fuck… Nothing makes you feel your own mortality more than counting the birthdays of a tiny human that you made yourself. It’s frightening, like a sudden realisation that these little candles on the cake is actually time that we will never get back. I had a little breakdown well in advance this year. It dawned on me that the last glorious two years of being a Mother had gone in the blink of an eye, and whilst they seriously were the best years of my life, I (along with Jensen) wasn’t getting any younger. I felt a sudden deep desperation for a life, for a future that didn’t involve regret. A need to find the woman that is not just a Mama, and a wife. Because one day, it won’t be two little candles and it won’t be one little human. It’ll be me, and my choices. Because (and I pray with all my heart) Jensen will have his own life, and his own little humans candles to count…
I live for Jens, I breathe for Jens. He is my soulmate, my actual true love. He has me whispering ‘knobhead’ under my breath to laughing hysterically to physically crying with pride, all within a 30 second time frame. He is beautiful, intelligent, kind, funny, caring, strong, stubborn, independent… He is a little piece of me, he is my heart. I can’t express enough how deep my love runs for him. But it is time, I think, to channel some of that love to myself, to create a self love, to set an example to my boy and show him that it is just as important to praise yourself. I got to thinking about what would make ME happy (other than Jens being happy and healthy of course, that’s a given!)
Before I knew it, I had applied for college. Jens starts nursery in September so I figured, we could both start school together. I’m not sure if I am more nervous for my boys first day, or my own, but I guess if my two year old can make a start in the big, wide world, then maybe at the grand old age of 27 and a half, it is time for me to start chasing my dreams too! Besides, that means I can have a super cool backpack that I never got in my school years, right?! (Speaking of which, my friend got Jens THE most awesome backpack for his birthday, personalised and everything, so he is already out doing me in the cool stakes! Ha!) The prospect of having a future makes me so excited that it makes me giddy, and I can’t wait to get started. I can’t wait to show Jens how to love life!
I must have got caught up in all of the excitement of becoming a student again, because without even questioning it, I had signed up to my local cross fit gym, ALL ON MY FUCKING OWN! The sense of achievement I feel at that fact alone, before I had even set foot into the gym, is second to none. It is something that I have wanted to do for a long time, but could only ever fantasise about whilst stalking Instagram for inspiration. It’s child friendly, so I can take Jens along and it eases the old anxiety and reduces the risk of me panicking. Although, the fact that the coaches and community there are pretty fucking awesome makes it a hell of a lot easier to be relaxed! I thought that I would be awkward and stick out like a sore thumb, mainly due to the fact that I can’t even manage a press up and I had never lifted a weight (that didn’t include carrying a toddler, or hauling a drunk husband to bed) in my life, but to be honest, I have never felt so at home! Although, I think Jens could sense some sort of impeding independence coming off me like a strong perfume because he has started a little bit of resistance to letting me work out. Like, if he drags his feet I will be forever his stay at home Mama and we can just colour dinosaurs, chase rabbits and eat cake. (Fuck. That actually sounds amazing… maybe he has a point?!)
I hope that I can prove that it is never too late to be who you want to be… Watch this space! Chase dreams, be happy and be healthy! And as always, just drink the fucking wine!
So, Happy Birthday Jensen! And Happy Birth-Day to me, Mama! Cheers!
The Sweary Mama. xxx