You know the women that you see EVERYWHERE that just look amazing? The ones on the magazines or on Instagram or that you see on your walk to work that just make you feel inadequate? The ones that look like they would always smell amazing? The one’s that Sam Smith would write songs about if he swung that way? The ones that just ooze perfection? Yeh. You know the ones. You know them because you look at them and you feel yourself feeling a little bit green with envy as you do so. You know them because you hate them a little bit. You hate them because, try as you might, you’ll never be them.

And there is no shame in that, not really. I get it, I feel it too. So over a glass of wine or two last night; my friend Minty and I got to talking about these women, and all the things that separated us from them. As we had this conversation, I ought to add, we both sat, makeup free, in t-shirts and jeans, with chipped nail varnish and totally out of control hair, slightly resenting the women that made us feel like we were doing something wrong in doing so.

Now any humans amongst you will have noticed that it’s the 25th of the month today, which means that most of us are in the same position, the same, hungry, grumpy, I NEED SOME MORE MONEY position, and this got us to thinking…. How much would it really cost to look fabulous all of the time?

Well. Of course, there is the weekly blow dry, which is £30 a pop, the every other week manicure which, if shellac, is £25, the monthly pedicure at £35, the monthly eyebrow wax and tint which comes in at £5, for those not blessed with amazing eyelashes they may need tinting and/or extending which would cost about £35 a month, there is the facial needed once every six weeks which you might be able to nab for £40, the massage for the times when it’s all too much at £50, the leg waxing which is essential for the summer months, £30, the bikini line which is even more important at £40, and of course you’ll definitely need your roots doing or maybe a Brazilian blow dry which really costs about £150 every six weeks.

And that’s before you take into consideration that realllyyyyy your makeup bag and wash bag ought to be replaced and replenished every 6 months, so we’re looking at a £30 foundation, a moisturiser for about £12.50, a cleanser for £7 if you’re lucky, a mascara for £10, an eyeliner for £7, a bronzer for £12 if you’re going high street and an eyebrow kit for another £10.

Which means, all together, you’re looking at spending £759.50 every six weeks. SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY NINE POUNDS AND 50 PENCE EVERY SIX WEEKS. And that’s before you have taken into consideration any botox, boob jobs or lipo-suction that you might be considering, which are much more popular than you might think. That also doesn’t take into consideration the £50 personal training sessions that you’d need at least three times a week and the amazing clothes that you’d need to wear on your incredibly toned body.

Now if you’re living in London and are under the age of 25, the chances of you having a disposable income (to be used on such things as food and travel) of over £500 is incredibly unlikely, so tell me HOW is anybody supposed to be able to do all the things that we think that we need to be beautiful? That society tells us we need?

Did you know that for that amount of money you could put 32 people who are living on the streets in a hostel for the Christmas period? That’s 278 people whose Christmas you could change every year.

That’s also:

5,063 Freddo Bars.
759 objects from the pound shop.
64 pizzas from a chain restaurant.
72 trips to the cinema.
58 packets of cigarettes.
15 pairs of Topshop jeans.
475 bags of popcorn.
85 paper back books.
17 tanks of petrol for a small car.
108 roast chickens.

So even if you could afford to skimp out on rent, food, council tax, bills and travel just to afford to look fabulous ALL the time, just think of how much other stuff you could be doing with all of that money.

A couple of days ago I wrote a big blog post about how hard it is working for next to no money and since I’ve done that, I’ve found myself worrying about all the things I cannot afford (see above), but having written this and well and truly established that there is no viable way that I can look fabulous ALL of the time, I have felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

We’ve always known that looking as flawless as a Kardashian was unrealistic but now I know quite how unrealistic it is, I’m feeling a whole heap better, so I hope that in sharing my findings here, I have been able to bestow onto you the same privilege.

So here’s to happy pizza eating ladies, 64 pizzas to be precise, 64 pizzas and pale eyelashes!