This morning, The Daily Mail published an article entitled: “Please, Cheryl, let 2019 be the year you give us ALL a break. Jan Moir Reveals the New Year’s resolutions she hopes the stars will make.” and in it she takes the opportunity to spread Christmas kindness and cheer by offering up some suggestions as to how the “rich and famous” could embark on “self improvement in 2019”.
“Thank goodness”, she says, “[she’s] here to help…”
It’s a pathetically miserable piece of ‘journalism’, typical to the Mail Online. It’s cynical and desperate and makes for a depressing read.
From ‘Me Too’ supporters and our prevailing feminist logic which portrays every woman as a victim, to the England Squad who, according to Jan, ought to “man up”, to Meghan Markle who “must resolve to be nicer to her father” – the woman has taken umbrage with plenty this year.
So uniquely grim it could only have appeared on the Mail Online it was the cherry atop the last sexist, insensitive and hateful cake they could have fed me.
And so in the spirit of the festive season, and starting 2019 in as positive a way as possible whilst this publication continues on in this deplorable manor, I have amended this pice for Jan, in the hope that she might one day learn to adhere to the rule that if you haven’t got anything nice to say, it’s probably better to not say anything.
(I haven’t contested every point because a) I’ve got my life to be living and b) I don’t want to subject you to as much as misery as I had to endure writing this – you’re welcome).
JAN SAYS: “The split and £62 million divorce of TV star Ant McPartlin and his wife, Lisa, has rarely been out of the headlines this year. It has not been helped by her frequent forays onto social media. Over Christmas she tweeted photographs of the gifts she had wrapped for their dog Hurley – a bit desperate, like so much of what she does. Ownership of pets is becoming an increasingly flashpoint in the divorce courts.
However, it is never really about the dog, is it? It is all about control and punishing your ex.
Yes, it is hard to leave behind a pet, but Hurley seems happy with Lisa’s ex-husband. Infuriating.
Resolution: I must learn to put Hurley burley behind me and let it go. Press the “accept and move on” button. Focus on the future and not the past.”
I SAY: “The split between Ant and his wife Lisa has been horrible, no doubt for both of them.
Going through a divorce is horrendous, but god can you imagine the extraordinary pressure that going through it publicly is? Considering too Ant’s illness and the fact he is in a new relationship, I’m sure I’m not out of line to suggest that perhaps it’s not our place to comment on anything going on.
I hope that the press can back off them this year; let Ant get better and Lisa return to her normal life, as best she can.
At least she had a nice Christmas with the dog, right?
Resolution: this year I’m going to refocus my energies into looking after myself, working harder and opening time with those people that make me happy.”
JAN SAYS: “She should resolve to settle her own family differences before she and Harry set off to change the world. She should resolve to get her pa to shut the hell up and stop embarrassing the Royal Family.
Whatever has happened, shouldn’t Meghan bury the hatchet, introduce Tom Markle to her in-laws and make amends. Why doesn’t she, knowing what’s at stake?
That’s the real mystery.
Resolution: Be nicer to my father.
I SAY: “Poor Meghan. Poor, poor Meghan.
Would Tom Markle be fighting this hard to be part of his estranged daughter’s life had she not married a Prince? Fuck off would he. This man only wants in now that she’s a royal and is behaving incredibly manipulatively.
Meghan is not responsible for her father and his behaviour is so not her problem. He’s humiliating her and trying to turn others against her; is that the behaviour of a man who loves and wants the best for his daughter?
He does not DESERVE anything, nor is he ENTitlED to anything; being a father is so much more than being present at someone’s conception.
Resolution: I must remain strong, surround myself with people that love me and my unborn baby. My mum, my friends and my new family.”
JAN SAYS: “How much more can the nation take? A Tweedy-bile new single to signify her latest comeback, some truly awful dancing in baggy buccaneer boots – and now a note as a judge in BBC’s new talent series, The Greatest Dancer.
Cheryl will judge the winners in her usual fashion, by counting the number of hairs that are standing up on her arm. After all this time, the Geordie performer continues to fascinate. She is a singer that can’t sing, but ended up being a judge on a singing contest. Now she is a dancer who can’t dance (much) who is judging a dancing contest. She’s sure got something – it’s called tenacity.
Resolution: I resolve to accept my limits – and retire from my self-made, showbiz circle of hell.”
I SAY: “Cor bless her, she’s still KILLING it. Whilst admittedly the new single is not to everyone’s taste, she’s pulled off another comeback. Who’da thunk it possible.
Cheryl is proof that tenacity and a strong worth ethic is rewarded with success.
Resolution: I resolute to keep working and inspiring, to ignore the haters and take immense pride in my totally self-made success.”
JAN SAYS: You’ve had it tough, we all know that. But at the age of 72, actress Joanna Lumley had something important to say about the prevailing feminist logic of 2019, which seemed got portray every woman as a victim and all men as aggressors.
‘I’m full of sympathy for the horrors that have gone on, but be your own judge. If you don’t know whether to take your pants off and sleep with him, don’t scream later: I didn’t want to do it!
‘It’s your ship, you’re the captain, so if somebody does something you don’t like, speak up.
Don’t feel you ought to do it because you need a job. And don’t go to someone’s hotel room late at night when you’re drunk, it’s not going to end well.’
Resolution: We resolve to listen, just a tiny bit, to the wisdom of the women who went before.
I SAY: What an incredible year it has been for survivors. It’s so interesting to hear the perspective of so many different women, different feminists. It’s mostly interesting to observe the changes in feminism; this new wave of feminism, like every wave before it, is flawed, but crucially, it has welcomed a stream of voiceless women to finally find their voices and that is extraordinary.
Whilst Joanna Lumley is, in theory, right. It is a simplistic view of the #MeToo movement and greatly undermines those who have been victim to sexual assault.
Resolution: We will continue to listen, to be kind, compassionate and proactive in my bid to help women who need help. We will continue to listen to the wisdom of those who came before us, but most crucially, we pledge to listen to those who’s voices have historically been silenced.”
JAN SAYS: “Pop star Lily thinks she was hard done by as a child. Her 2018 autobiography, “My Thoughts Exactly” notes the neglect she experienced from her film producer mother, Alison Owen, and actor father Keith Allen. As she tells it, they focussed on their careers not their children. Sob.
Yet there also seemed to be gilded privilege and opportunities galore for Lily. She enjoyed the best schools, nicer houses, summers in Ibiza and working on film sets when she was 14.
Even when she grudgingly accepts that her father initiated her pop career, she insists she became successful “in spite” of her parents, whom she blames for all her woes.
The drugs she took, the drinks she drank, the men and women she slept with, the marriage that went wrong? it was all somehow their daily, never hers. So many children of celebrities think like this – without realising how blessed they are.
Resolution: I resolve to stop blaming my parents and accept responsibly for my horrible self.”
I SAY: “Repeat after me: MONEY CAN’T BUY HAPPINESS. HAVING FAMOUS PARENTS DOESN’T MAKE YOUR LIFE PERFECT (trust me), LILY ALLEN IS ALLOWED TO FEEL PAIN TOO.
As a celebrity, there is an interest in her life and she had every night to share her story. Personally I thought her book was incredibly self aware and was very interesting and thoughtful. I felt for her.
Yes, she went to great schools, but she tells of her parents forgetting to pick her up. Sure, she was on holiday in Ibiza, but her dad was out on coke benders. That privilege came with a fucktonne of shit. Let’s not be chippy and judgy, eh?
Resolution: I resolve to focus on my sobriety, my children and my career. I hope I can now put my demons behind me and keep working on self-improvement.
JAN SAYS: “calling the England football team! Please, boys. No more clubbing. Wring out your hankies and your tears for the last time.
Yes, the World Cup was wonderful; we loved Gareth Southgate and his waistcoats; your triumphs were a joy.
But it was hard to watch the dismay of England’s footballers when they lost. All thee man-hugs and man-tears! Southgate looked like St. Francis of Assis, tending to his wounded donkeys. Cuddling and patting them as they left the pitch.
Resolution: Man up! Especially in defeat.
I SAY: “God, what a year for football, and for England! Not just because we played so well, but because we witnessed so much lovelinesss,
Finally, men expressing their emotions. Without needing to constantly bottle them up. Suicide rates in men are at an all time high and the topic of male mental health is CRUCIAL.
Fuck yes, please, more Southgate, more waistcoats, more hugs and more tears – both happy and sad!
Resolution: I pledge to allow my emotions out, not to bottle them up and to feel no shame about my feelings or my tears.
There’s more, but I’ve reached saturation point.
I hope that soon, Jan will too.
Maybe that can be a resolution of hers: I resolve to stop and think before blurting out whatever negative, mean and miserable thought pops into my head.