DORITOS AND THEIR SPECIAL LADY CRISPS FOR OUR LITTLE LADY MOUTHS.

Big day girls. It has been announced that Doritos are hard at work preparing to launch their new crisps (hold onto your pashminas for this one), made especially for ladies.

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Yes yes, you heard me. We’re getting special lady crisps.

PepsiCo CEO (parent company of Doritos), Indra Nooyi said in an interview with Freakonomics Radio: “As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavour, and the broken chips in the bottom.”

“Women I think would love to do the same, but they don’t.

“They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavour into their mouth.

“It’s not a male and female as much as ‘are there snacks for women that can be designed and packaged differently?’ And yes, we are looking at it, and we’re getting ready to launch a bunch of them soon,” she said.

Well. I’m thrilled.

No longer will we be confronted with the humiliation of having to crunch in public. Gone are the days of staring longingly at your cheesy fingers, wishing you had a big man tongue with which to lick them clean. The lifelong struggle of not being able to fit your big man crisps in your handbag is dead and gone.

How perfect! A lady sized packet for our lady sized bag that will be SPLENDID IN OR LITTLE LADY SIZED MOUTHS.

As someone who continually broke the rules as a little girl and regularly bought the ‘NOT FOR GIRLS’ Yorkie Bars (because I’m a badass bitch who doesn’t care a jot for the law), I’m just so relieved there is a company out there that’s finally got my back.

I VIVIDLY remember the Yorkie days and the pain that my little teeth would be in as they tackled a block of chocolate so clearly designed for someone so much stronger than me. I remember wishing, praying really, that one day soon someone would put me first and make this great product in a way that I, a lowly girl, could fully appreciate.

Well, we’ve really been spoiled since then.

You guys may remember a few years ago Bic announced that they were going to make special lady pens? As a writer, my relief was palpable. My poor little mitts were exhausted after years of clinging on, both hands, to the big boy tools.

My career arguably took off after I was give the right utensils. Think I’d have been able to write a book with a pen too big that didn’t come in pink?! PFFT!

OOH and then the car? Does anyone remember the CAR we were given? SEAT and Cosmopolitan designed it and, well, it was wonderful. Available in exclusively lady colours, this car was the ‘ultimate accessory’.

I was so excited about that at the time I wrote chapter and verse on it. If I remember correctly I was so excited I dropped my tampons – silly me!!!!

What an exciting time to be alive eh? The pens, the cars and NOW THE DORITOS? How lucky are we?


Realistically this is, I suspect, just a marketing stunt (you’re welcome for the free advertising btw guys), but GOOD GOD it’s pissed me off. In the same way that I was pissed off about the car, and the pens and really, really, really pissed off with the Yorkies. The cashier in the newsagents outside my school made a joke about them only being for boys once. Silly twat didn’t expect the feminist rant that came tumbling out of my eleven year old mouth, but he should have done.

I hated that gender was being used in a completely unnecessary way then, and I hate it even more now.

Now as it happens I don’t actually like licking my hands in public.

But the reason I don’t like licking my hands in public is because I live in London. And ‘public’ in London is riddled with filth. Public transport. Public toilets. It’s all gross. It has very little to do with the fact I have a vagina.

As far as the crunching thing is concerned? Well I have a few suggestions for Doritos that don’t include sexist marketing. Opening the bag a couple of days prior to eating them and letting them get stale before tucking in is one. Waiting until you’re not in public, or even buying something chewy, like a wine gum, for example, is another. My favourite though is probably accepting that you have teeth and that to avoid choking to death, using them is acceptable.

The sizing issue?

Couple of things: 1) My handbag is huge, I’ll take a share bag and then some. 2) MEN DON’T EVEN REALLY CARRY BAGS. So what, are we waiting for a pocket sized packet that will be handy-as-hell for a busy man who needs both his hands for important things like driving man cars and using man pens?

The thing is, marketing stunt/error of judgement, whatever this is, there are some serious underlying problems with ‘concepts’ like this.

I grew up as an older sister to a brother two years my junior. We fought like siblings do, we got on as only they can. He’d shove goal keeping gloves on my hands and put me in front of a net in the garden and pretend I was a boy and that I wasn’t shit at football. I’d drag him up to my room, stick a microphone in his hand and get him to sing Nelly Furtado with me on the kareoke machine (all the while waiting for my baby sister to grow up so I’d have someone more enthusiastic to duet with).

For a long time it didn’t really matter that we were different genders, why should it? He rode my pink bike, I wore his footy strip.

But at some point that changed. At some point the conversation surrounding our differences were discussed. We became aware of ‘pink’ and ‘blue’, of ‘Barbie’ and ‘Action Man’, of being able to have Yorkie bars and not being able to have Yorkie bars.

Sure, it’s not the end of the world. These days I’m busier fighting for equal pay than I am for equal chocolate choices, but back then it did matter. I hated that anyone was suggesting to me that I couldn’t have something because of my gender.

I probably knew the police wouldn’t arrive if I ate one, but I couldn’t be entirely sure.

No one really gave a shit at the time. Yorkie’s business sky rocketed up 30% when they introduced them. It was all a big joke. A joke I think I’d have found much funnier if I hadn’t gone on to hear the words ‘not for girls’ in so many other areas of my life over the next few years.

Maybe I’m making a mountain out of a mole hill.

I’m sure there will be a string of comments coming in to suggest that I am.

But I gotta say, it’s a bloody annoying mole hill that absolutely shouldn’t be here.

We don’t need separate food. We don’t need special lady crisps for our special lady fingers and our special lady teeth. What we actually need is a special lady salary that matches, penny for penny, the special male salary… just in case anyone out there is on the hunt for the next good ‘lady thing’.

I spent all afternoon working out how annoyed I actually was about this. I questioned it for hours: is it really that big a deal? Are you sure you wanna bring the Yorkie bar into it? Are you even that offended?

And then I saw something that made my mind up for me; a comment floating atop the Daily Mail’s shit-stain of a comment section after their article on this:

“Getting really bored of women moaning at everything and wish they would just shut up and get on with life and accept they are different to men.”

I decided I was annoyed after all.

Because as bored as this little spunk trumpet is of hearing us moan, I am 100% sure that we are more bored by the fact that there is still so much to moan about. We’re really really bored of all the bullshit that STILL comes with being a woman in this day and age.

There are bigger things to worry about than a new bag of crisps. Of course there are. But that doesn’t mean we can’t stress the small stuff every now and then.

Particularly when the small stuff means we’ll probably be charged the same price for half the crisps of the old bags on the promise that we’ll be able to sneak our snacks into our handbags rather than admit to the world that we actually eat.

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4 Comments

  1. Helen Armitage
    February 5, 2018 / 7:40 pm

    I couldn’t agree more – I know there are bigger battles to fight as a women but these stupid little things sort of chip away at your faith that attitudes will change. I’m also not sure I’m comfortable with the insinuation from the makers of Doritos that women should be quiet when they eat certain foods – crisps are crunchy and noisy to eat. So what. I’m not advocating munching your way through a bag of doritos in the middle of a church service but what’s the problem if your eating them in any normal setting? I suppose they wouldn’t launch a range like this if they didn’t think it would sell but I won’t be rushing out to buy them.

  2. February 5, 2018 / 8:08 pm

    I’m with you on this. It’s a load of bollocks. They can stick their “female Doritos” up their arses.

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      February 5, 2018 / 8:09 pm

      Yesssssss 🙌🏼

  3. Natasza
    February 8, 2018 / 1:27 pm

    First of all, it shows when you write your entries spontaneously and you put a lot of emotions in them – and, in my humble opinion – these are your best ones.

    On thettopic of “female-oriented” stuff – BOY does it piss me off. Back in the day before iPhones existed, various companies offered “female” phones. You know, with pink, in bling and all of them with considerably lower specifications than their “male” counterparts. Like, woman is less of a customer because all she cares about is looks. I SO wanted to shout all of them in the face “Well, I’m actually a MORE DEMANDING customer because I want my phone to be BOTH functional and not look like a boring calculator”. Bless HTC for their Rhyme model that was targeted for women, had equal specs, looked awesome and came with a docking station with speaker as a standard.

    Nowadays though, we have a new trend slowly making its way into marketing – “female” products for men. Just last week I saw a freaking coffee body scrub, which normally comes in a baggy with pink sticker got its “male” counterpart that had a BLACK sticker and something along the lines of “alpha male” written on it. I didn’t know if it was more hilarious or pathetic.

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