WEARING A LANYARD ROUND MY NECK AND ALL THE OTHER STUFF I DO THAT’S JUST NOT COOL.

I think I’m quite uncool. And I think I’ve come to this realisation about twenty years too early. This is normally the observation of some glamorous 40-something-year-old, writing in the Sunday Times Style Mag about how their kids don’t like their music anymore.

But here I am. Uncool and embracing it.

Last week I lost my bankcard for the third time in three months. I decided it was time I did something to alter the current system – the one that was quite clearly failing me. It seems slipping your bankcard into the pocket of whatever garment you’ve decided to wear that day, in amongst the poo bags and the phone and all the other things I’m reaching for once a minute whilst walking, is not effective adulting.

I did drop countless hints about wanting a card holder for Christmas, but alas, they fell on deaf ears and I was therefore left to enter January just as hopelessly as I’d left December. (I do own a wallet, I just don’t use it on the dog walks etc. etc.)

Inevitably, within a week, the card was gone again. Queue another sheepish call to the bank and the shame that that brings with it.

Now I live with two people. One of them, my boyfriend, uses a cardholder and it serves him well. The other, my flatmate, in a move so uncool that it’s just about the coolest thing I’ve ever seen, wears a lanyard round her neck, which homes her keys and cards. Yes, a lanyard, the things that doctors and employees at big important offices that you don’t understand wear around their necks.

Not once has she got locked out. Never have I seen her make a tail-between-the-legs call to the bank. I’ll have whatever she’s having, please.

So I got onto Amazon, put my order in, (misread the description and ended up with twenty) and in doing so totally revolutionised my life. Never have I felt so organised.

Unfortunately, not everyone approves of my decision. Well, actually, aside from my flatmate, no one in my life has embraced my new found system and I’ve spent the last week subject to intense ridicule:

What’s next?‘ they jeer, ‘a fanny pack and a fishing holiday???

And that got me thinking. Thinking about all the shit I do on a day to day basis that absolutely isn’t cool, but that is just so great.

I’ve decided to list them for you, in the hope that one day, you, like me, will be happy with your totally tragic pass-times.

The lanyard.

I won’t defend it. I’m all about that practical life.

Knitting.

Another thing I don’t feel the need to defend. Christmas presents are revolutionised; people have to love the scarves they receive because they are clearly made with love, (and took me about four years to complete). Couple that with the satisfaction you gain from creating something yourself from nothing more than a cat’s play toy and two sticks, and the fact that it’s a sociable hobby that regularly prevents me from killing people and you’ve got yourself a winner.

Touch typing tests.

OK. This is tragic, I grant you. But sometimes, when I’m alone, and I can’t be arsed to do anything important, I take free online touch typing tests. Honestly. #mortified. On the plus side though, I can now do 93 words per minute with minimal mistakes, so who’s the the real winner here…. guys?

Pretend I’m in a music video.

An easy thing to do if a) your hair is feeling particularly swishy or b) you’re dealing with some raw and intense emotions. Nothing like channeling your inner Avril Lavigne to have you strutting down the street like a boss.

Crush candy.

And navigate a ball with wings through basket ball hoops for minimal reward (flappy dunk) and make hexagons for hours on end (in an originally named game: Make Hexa!) and connect dots with other dots (two dots). Apparently we’re like so over iPhone games now, or so a 13-year-old told me the other day, but whatever.

Not know the lyrics to any songs ever.

I thought the lyrics to Imagine Dragons’ song Radioactive were ‘ready to watch you’. Guys. The words are in the title. In the title. IN THE DAMN TITLE. Like…. how???

Dabbing.

I learnt how to dab just before Christmas and now I can’t stop it. That’s like so over too, by the way. But I here I am.

Binge watch shit reality TV.

And not like the Real Housewives of Cheshire or Keeping Up With The Kardashians (still never watched an episode btw), but like a Channel 4 series about ambulances in the North West of England. I can get through one, two, three of those series on an admin day and then vow to myself that I won’t tell anyone what I did. Other than the internet of course.

Sleep with a gum-shield in. 

No, not a retainer like your favourite Nickelodeon teenage idol had that made you really want braces. No, not one of those. A full on gum-shield, like the ones that hockey players wear. I grind my teeth, this is supposed to help me. And if that’s not the sexiest thing in the world then-I-don’t-know-what-is.

I count, everything. 

Like, everything. It’s 382 steps from my house to the co-op. It’s 62 steps from my front door to the little patch of green where I take Bua for a wee. It’s 14 steps to my bedroom from the sitting room. I guess how many steps it will take me to get to that letterbox in the distance, I won’t let myself turn around until I’ve done 1000. It’s how I pass all my time. #tragic #dontcare.

Live for Popmaster.

If you don’t know what this is, congratulations, you’re cooler than me (in light of everything listed so far, this isn’t much of an achievement). At 10:30 every week day morning on BBC Radio 2, Ken Bruce hosts a music quiz. Not only do I do it every day (and find myself thrilled to bits when John, 54 from Farnham who plays the harmonica in his free time wins a bluetooth speaker), but I often text my mum to compare scores – she always beats me.

Look forward to driving alone so I can sing my little socks off. 

And I’m sorry but if you even try and tell me that you don’t do this too then I will know with absolute certainty that you are a dirty little liar.

Use the word ‘trendy’ totally un-ironically. 

Because there is nothing in this life as great as the buzz you feel when one of your parents’ friends describes you as such.

Two-strap by backpack. 

Do I want a bad back at the tender age of 23? Do I fuck. It’s all about even weight distribution kids and I’m willing to sacrifice being cool if it means I’m structurally sound. Suck it.

I’m not cool. And I’m fine with that.

I hope you are too.

So now it’s your turn to make me feel better. Hit me up. Let me know. Anything you do more tragic than anything listed above?

Follow:

16 Comments

  1. Astrid
    January 14, 2018 / 4:02 pm

    I use a lanyard as well! At the company I work for, all doors open with an electronic tag and I was frustrated after the twentieth time being stuck in a hallway after a pee-break. In the end, a lanyard is less embarrassing than tapping the glass like a trapped zoo animal…

    Other uncool stuff I do (I am a 28 yo girl):
    i wear colourful socks so I can tell them apart from those of my bf, usually with silly prints as well. Just more convenient than comparing all black and grey pairs when doing laundry.

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      January 14, 2018 / 4:05 pm

      Mate I’m so with you on the socks!! I do the same thing and it means I can always spot when my bf has nicked mine! 😂😂 #lanyardsquad

  2. Natasza
    January 14, 2018 / 4:14 pm

    I’m with you on several points on the list. Not only do I wear a lanyard (granted, I work for one of those big, important companies, hence I have to have my ID with me at all times), but I treated myself to one of those blingy ones from claire’s. I’m 30 years old. On that same note, 90% of my jewellery comes from claire’s and I’m completely untouched wearing gumball earrings, a parrot necklace or a pom pom with rainbow ribbon by my purse. I also play the heck of my iphone games (love me some Gardenscapes and Cooking Fever), I sing out loud anytime I’m alone in my car and I have also never watched a single episode of KUWTK, if that’s how to abbreviate it properly. I’m pretty sure I do a million other seriously uncool things so I may be back to add some positions to the list. Also, did you consider getting a case for your phone with a slot for your card? My boyfriend has one of those and he’s very happy with it.

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      January 14, 2018 / 4:16 pm

      I did but the phone case thing but I never loved it cause it wouldn’t fit in my pocket! Big up Claire’s babe/ no shame there! Xx

      • Natasza
        January 14, 2018 / 4:18 pm

        Totally understand, my phone is completely naked because I like how slim it is. But I drag my overpacked purse with me everywhere, so there’s that. Xx

  3. January 14, 2018 / 4:43 pm

    This is so comforting to read as this basically describes me!
    The uncoolest thing I do I list everything an actor has ever been in whilst watching a movie…drives my husband nuts as I’m like an uncontrolled human IMDB. I’m also a 22yo grandma who loves knitting and gardening, and I always have to ask my infinitely cooler husband (10yrs my senior) what young people mean with all their acronyms and new words. Xx

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      January 14, 2018 / 4:45 pm

      This literally made me laugh out loud about being IMDB- I’m the opposite, I forget a film and an actor the minute it finishes!! xx

      • January 14, 2018 / 5:18 pm

        Oh forget knowing the plotline! Useless with that too. Just the actors’ full resumes! Xx

  4. Chelsea Berg
    January 14, 2018 / 4:49 pm

    I have to use a gym shield as well. Perfectly worth it if it means not waking up with a sore jaw. I compulsively alphabetize everything. I listen to the soundtracks of my favorite musicals for hours until I have each song memorized. I work for the postal service so I’m required to wear a lanyard. Crossword puzzles are life. And I fish.

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      January 14, 2018 / 4:50 pm

      All sounds pretty cool to me love – particularly loving the lanyard xxx

  5. January 14, 2018 / 5:25 pm

    I learnt about dabbing last Easter. It’s great. I used the word ‘dude’ the other day – don’t know if that’s cool or not, but I quite like it.

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      January 14, 2018 / 5:25 pm

      I use it all the time!! Xx

  6. January 14, 2018 / 7:07 pm

    Lanyard is a genius idea, thanks for sharing that one! I am so happy we are admitting to the embarrassing/uncool things we do because I could not be less cool!
    I carry a toothbrush and toothpaste round with me in a sandwich bag everywhere, which normally causes no trouble until I was dancing at my Christmas party, my bag broke and my toothcare bag flew across the dance floor!
    I mean, that is definitely not the pinnacle of my ‘uncool’ but it is one of my most recent moments!

    • Emily Clarkson
      Author
      January 14, 2018 / 7:17 pm

      Aha that’s not that bad could have been way worse!!! And yes girl embrace the lanyard it’s wonderful xxxx

  7. Cam Coulson
    January 21, 2018 / 7:51 pm

    I feel that the least cool thing I do… Is wear glasses. I wear glasses all day, every day. I get compliments on my glasses. I mean, I have snazzy glasses! But when I go out in my glitz and glam… I take them off. In fact, I refuse to wear contacts so I give up the gift of sight purely to feel more attractive. Why is it impossible to feel sexy and cool with glasses on? Whyyyyy?! Xxxx

  8. Aiden L
    March 3, 2018 / 3:51 pm

    I don’t know about you, but I would LOVE a ‘One Year Out’ T-shirt. If I had one for every time I was ‘one year out’ I’m sure I could clothe a colony.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: