Today I did something that I hardly ever do; I rocked a pretty dark lipstick. I didn’t have anything particularly special to do, I just felt like being a glamourpuss, and if I’m honest with you, it’s been a helluva day.

Before leaving the house

– Oh my GOD, I look amazing.
– No, like seriously. I look so good.
– I need to Instagram this shit immediately.
– Holy shit tits, I am going to get SO MUCH DONE TODAY. Total #girlboss moment.
– Coco Chanel was so write when she said ‘If you are sad, then add more lipstick and attack.’
– This is a look that I am seriously digging.
– Come on lips, let’s go on an adventure.

En route to wherever you are going

– So that big guest of wind was for sure meant for me. Thank you God, you get it: I look FIERCE.
– Yes, that’s right little old lady, I DO look this badass on a Thursday morning.
– Shit, hang on, do you think I need to reapply it already?
– No, surely not. It’s literally been 4 minutes.
– Oh, I better just check.
– FUCK. It’s faded already?
– You know what? I might be able to pull this one off if I just don’t smile or open my mouth for a bit.
– Should’ve reapplied, I reckon I look trashy AF right now. Everyone’s staring at me aren’t they?
– Right, I need to find a bush to hide behind as I reapply, cannot go in like this.
– God the iPhone camera is unforgiving.
– That’ll do pig, that’ll do.

At wherever you need to be

– Holla bitchessss, I’m here and I’m looking F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S.
– Wait, I still look fabulous right?
– It’s way too soon to do a crafty check. Just sit tight.
– Well realistically I’m going to have to have a look because I can NOT reapply this blind.
– I’ll look like I’ve been sucking on coal.
– Ah, first compliment, that’s what I’m talking about.
– Oh lol, look at the stain on my glass. Embarrassinggggggg.
– Fuck it, there is no way around this I am going to need to just squish this burger into my mouth, lipstick be damned. I’ll deal with the consequences later.
– Oh my lord, the consequences are so bad.
– Now I’m effectively just wearing a dark lipliner.
– Brilliant.
– Will I will be judged and ridiculed for getting my phone out for a forward-facing-camera-reapply?
– Well it’s happening now isn’t it?!?!
– Lol. I have so many nose hairs.
– There’s the bugger. Looking fly again.

When you get home

– Well all in all that went rather well.
– I did get loads done in fairness.
– Probably more today on the days that I don’t wear lipstick.
– The two things must be connected.
– I wonder if there have been studies done on this kind of thing?
– Ah finally, I can eat and drink like the animal that I am and need not worry about anything.
– Actually that’s a point, how will I ever get this off?
– I don’t think I’m ready yet.
– Maybe I should bake something. Candice did win GBBO after all.
– No no Mr lipstick. I’m not done with you yet.
– Big day guys, big day.


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